What's on my mind today

Anomaly
Why do people say
Live life to the full - live each day like it is your last
but
Slow down and take time to appreciate the world around you

Personal memory;
Last week I went to a service of remembrance for any person who has died that you want to remember and celebrate their life. The intention was for those bereaved relatives whose loved one has died more than six months previously so that the initial stage of raw grief and loss is over and a more reasoned perspective is achieved and happier memories are recalled and shared.

It seems a loving and sensible idea but for me, not so. My father died in such agony and sad circumstances and I was with him for several weeks of this suffering that I cannot get over this, even now, almost four years later. I have no memory of happier times with my father who suffered for over twenty years before he actually died and even then did not realise that his demise was near. Right up to the final couple of days I still think he believed he would recover enough to go home. The hospital staff were very caring and helpful and supportive but I don't think they were honest with me (or maybe they didn't realise I wasn't at the same stage as them in their care for him).

I want to remember happy family times, when Dad could walk upright without assistance, when he could drive. In my childhood when he took us for days out, when he worked in the fields, at mealtimes, in the evenings when we had social card game nights with friends. Although I have hazy memories of these times Dad is a blur, I cannot recall him and I still feel grief about this. He was a wonderful man with a marvellous sense of humour despite his suffering and didn't deserve an end like that.
Furthermore I feel a lot of guilt in that I didn't take more time to create a more fitting eulogy for him at his funeral. We told the minister the bare factual details and let him make up the eulogy from this information and his own personal knowledge of Dad. Not enough. I am going to do that in the coming weeks and write it here. I adored my Dad RIP xx